Fear and insecurity has played a big part in my thinking and behaviour throughout my life. I have been living with an underlying sense of not being ‘enough’ which I’ve been able to see thanks to both working the twelve steps and through therapy since coming into recovery.
I was able to run, hide and survive though through ambition at work, manipulative behaviour and by focussing on the materialistic and superficial. I wanted to be seen, to be liked by everyone and to be respected, I worked to have ‘titles’ and ‘things’ which I thought would make me feel better and give me a sense of self-importance – all of which were ways in which I tried to mask the sense of insecurity deep-down within myself.
I have written previously about how I weaponised a set of behaviours to protect myself from how I was feeling and from the outside world. All of this alongside the drinking and drugging made me feel like I was protected, it numbed me and made me feel indestructible which was perfect for someone who struggled with low self esteem an overwhelming sense of worthlessness.
Being in recovery is changing that, I’m learning and facing up to this sense of fear and insecurity which I’ve lived with my entire life. Seeing how that fear has driven my behaviour and thinking over time and the role it has played in my addiction, my life and the impact it’s had on those around me has been a huge and positive change.
Working the steps helps give me perspective and helps me separate the fact (that I am ok, I am enough) from the fiction my brain constantly tells me (that I am a worthless bag of shit), which means that slowly I’m able to move forward with my life and stop living a life of fear and look to live a life of faith and love instead.
It’s terrifying sometimes to be this open and acknowledge these vulnerabilities, to not run and hide from them through drinking and drugging and having to face them without any protection. It’s a better life though, one where I’m able to work on myself as a person, look to better myself, help others and ultimately one that’s enabling to to live a happier, fuller life, one day at a time…