A realisation I’ve had recently is that I’ve been too focussed on what other people think about me and my recovery journey. I’ve realised some patterns in my thinking and behaviour behind it and need to acknowledge that it’s not good at all for my long term wellbeing or recovery.
I think this has been an issue for quite a while, but it’s only now that I’m able to see if for what it is and what it’s become. If you’re worried about this yourself, here’s what it looked like for me:
- Quality over quantity. Attending lots of meetings to be seen as going to lots of meetings, not necessarily because It was about my own recovery.
- Doing service for the wrong reasons. Again, because I wanted people to see how much I was doing for other and not because I was genuinely trying to be of service.
- Not sharing in meetings or sharing dishonestly. I would find myself either not sharing at all or only sharing about how great life was, how amazing I was feeling or how recovery had changed my life either to impress the group or certain people in meetings. Sometimes it’s ok to share that things are tough and you’re going through a hard time, it shows you’re human and most importantly, it’s honest.
- I was trying to be liked. The pandemic has meant we have more ways of working our programmes and staying connected than ever before, one of the great things that has emerged is Whatsapp groups and communities to help us all recover, together. However one thing I noticed was that my behaviour and conduct was changing as I wanted approval, I wanted to be liked (by newcomers and longer term members of the group). Which leads me to my next and final point…
- My recovery programme ultimately wasn’t true to myself. I was attending meetings for the wrong reasons, attending the wrong meetings to be seen, not sharing, trying to be seen and liked in certain recovery circles and all of this ultimately meant that my programme didn’t feel like my own any more.
It’s been nice to be honest with myself about this, I’ve since spoken to my sponsor and other people who’ve told me this is something that many people have been through. For me the important thing is that recovery is something I need to do for myself on a daily basis now. I’m only going to be able to do that If I get honest with myself and work a programme that’s true to myself and works for me.
So that’s what I’m going to try and do today…