This is another phrase I’ve heard recently which made me pause and reflect on my behaviour patterns whilst drinking and using.
During my drinking I often pushed away those who were important in my life, whether intentionally or unintentionally. I would intentionally distance myself from my family whom I had many resentments towards. I blamed them for many situations in my life and I drank on these rather than opening up, being honest, discussing the situation and generally looking to do the next right thing. I wouldn’t intentionally look to push my friends away, however my actions (or inactions) when I was drinking certainly strained these relationships. Letting friends down, not being supporting or present emotionally are all ways in which I fought people I should have loved.
My disease has deep roots in the need for constant approval. While I was drinking and using I would surround myself with people who were no good for me. I’d try and impress anyone as long as it meant I’d have people to continue drinking or using with. I was constantly surrounded by people, but forever alone. I’d buy endless drinks for these people and choose to meet them instead of spending time with my family, friends or on myself for one simple reason. It gave me more opportunity to drink. Those people didn’t care about me, they wouldn’t be there for me when I really needed them and were certainly no good for me mentally or spiritually.
I was constantly fighting those I should have loved, and loving those I should have fought.
I realise this today and I can see my my past behaviour for what it was. Today thanks to the programme I no longer have to escape my emotions and fears through drinking, drugs and false friendships.
For that I’m forever grateful.