I remember the way I felt the day before going to my first 12 step meeting. That feeling deep down that this was it, somehow it felt like I’d reached the end-game and my life would never be the same again. I thought about the way I’d seen recovery meetings depicted in films and TV, I’d have to go to those meetings once a week I thought, surrounded by people I had nothing in common with telling me to get through today and live “one day at a time”, that as long as I didn’t pick up a drink or a drug today things would be ok. It felt like a depressing way to live the rest of my life, but it was a price I was willing to pay at that point if it meant I was able to stop drinking, using and tearing my life apart.
Fast forward a year or so and I can honestly say recovery is absolutely nothing what I thought it would be. Here’s my experience...
Meetings are a highlight of the day for me. Far from the cold, depressing rooms I imagined they are places of safety, warmth and joy where I’m surrounded by people just like me. Getting sober in East London I was surprised at just how many young people were in recovery, this really was one of the most surprising things for me and something which made me more comfortable and gave me strength me continue my recovery journey. I’ve met so many wonderful people on my journey and having them around me makes my own life bigger. Before recovery I thought I had enough friends, I wouldn’t need “recovery mates”, but after a year I can honestly say some of the people in recovery are closer to me than many others in my life and I hope to have them around me for years to come.
Working the steps has been a huge period of growth for me. In short recovery has given me perspective, I have perspective on my past, the way I thought, behaved and used compulsive behaviours and substances to change the way I dealt with myself and the world around me. Working the steps has allowed to me honestly look at my past, take ownership of those actions, make amends to those I’ve hurt and move forward with my life. My past no longer defines my future and today as long as I continue to work my programme of recovery I live a better life mentally, physically and spiritually, today I am free thanks to recovery…
Recovery has given me a new outlook on life. Different things are important to me today. I used to be obsessed with career, material things, how I looked to the outside world, I used those things to cover my own insecurities. Today I see the world differently, I’m more secure in myself thanks to my own programme of recovery, simple things are more important to me and I practice gratitude daily to remind myself of how fortunate I am in my life each day. Spending time with my family, being happier in myself, having peace of mind, helping others and looking to be more useful in my day to day life. It’s all simple stuff which I never thought about before when I was in active addiction, but today It’s what drives me forward each day and my life is better for it.
Recovery has helped me open up and get in touch who I am and how I feel. I never outwardly asked for help in active addiction. I was too proud, too focussed on how this would look or be seen as a sign of weakness. I love how recovery is all focussed on asking for help. Every time we go to a meeting, share in a meeting or speak to someone in recovery we’re putting our hands up and saying, “I’m fucked, I need help”. Being able to open up, be honest about how you’re feeling and be vulnerable with others is something men desperately need help with within society as a whole, I’m so grateful to be able to do this now, to be better in touch with how I’m feeling and ask for help in my life when I need it.
Today I’m better at dealing with life. Life can be hard, that’s just the way things are, recovery has given me tools and enabled me to change the way I’m able to deal with the hard things that life throws at you. It’s not perfect, sometimes things just don’t go your way, but generally I’m able to take a more calm, measured response to things in life, I’m able to respond and not react and it’s a much better way to live my life day to day…
